Coming to terms with inconsistent ethics in the pursuit of vegetarianism

They threatened to sneak chicken into my morning hot chocolates. Images of soggy chicken bits floating to the top of my mug haunted me. 

I don't remember the moment that sparked it, but one day when I was 7 years old, I decided I didn't want to eat animals. I don't remember what my diet ended up looking like, but I do remember it stressed the shit out of my family.

Then I ate a steak. It was three years later, at a friend's backyard barbecue. It tasted incredible; hot off the iron, heavily peppered, with a faint aroma of wheat beer poured over the grill. That pretty much ended my vegetarian streak. And I didn't put much thought into it. I think I found the conviction when I initially decided to stop eating animals, and one day, like a change in weather my conviction had faded. I re-discovered that meat tasted great.

In the past 3 years or so, since the age of 22, vegetarianism has found its way back into my life. I'm sure having a vegetarian roommate prompted me to confront the idea on a more frequent basis than I had in a while.

It is tradition in my family that whenever we reunite we have my dad's pasta bolognese, my absolute favorite. Meat is food, and food is so important to our lives nutritionally, emotionally and culturally. If I let myself accept the belief that eating meat is unethical, I arrive at a strange contradiction that strikes me at my core. How can one of the largest sources of pleasure in my life, and most people's lives, be deeply unethical and disturbing? Do I have no integrity if I prioritize my pleasure over what's right? Are my positive life experiences that have revolved around meat now tainted?

I'm not disgusted by the site of meat. I still fondly remember the days of preparing Steak Au Poivre, Thanksgiving Turkey, and bacon on weekend mornings. More so, I'm saddened by it. I hurt for the animals from which it was harvested. To elaborate on my worldview, once served meat, I don't really see ethical issues with eating it. It's inanimate at that point. What I do find unethical is how that meat made its way to my plate. And what I find elusive is that it would be easy for me to continue eating meat citing that it's already dead, but not take any responsibility for its death. For it is me and all other meat eaters purchasing meat dishes that cause future animals to be unethically treated and killed for their meat. That indirect responsibility for unethical behavior makes it easier for me to ignore and de-individualize that responsibility completely.

Ultimately I believe eating meat in today's context is unethical. It's not that I believe humans shouldn't eat meat. It's that arguing that they should eat meat doesn't fit into today's reality, where there are much more of us than an non-domesticated ecosystem can support. If for us to eat meat, we have to domesticate at such a scale that an unfathomable amount of animals suffer intensely, then I don't think we should eat meat. I also think that many people know there's a horribly ugly side to meat but don't want to expose themselves to it because there would be no personal benefit, only sadness for animals, guilt in personal action, and giving up something that makes them happy. This is some hard-core, society scale cognitive dissonance.

Now that I've spilled my many thoughts on why eating meat is immoral you may be surprised I'm not eating totally veggie. I've found some weird balance where I try to generally minimize my animal consumption. This usually looks like some form of pescetarianism where I eat small amounts of land animals infrequently, maybe once every couple months, and marine animals up to a few times a week depending on the company.

What I find insightful is that I've become very explicit with myself over these flaws of mine, and even though I want to improve them, I still decide to live with them despite it being completely in my power to eliminate them. What more is that I find some peace with this state of being. My diet today reflects a compromise between my morals and pleasure. I can be good and not perfect. Perhaps a form of rationalization, I primarily care about reducing the demand put on meat products. In my mind, I am proud to reduce my demand by 99% even though 100% is better. In that way I do behave consistently with my views, though it's unclear how much this view is corrupted by my desire to sometimes eat meat. I commend vegetarians and vegans on their moral superiority, but for the rest of us, I believe the world will be much better still if we reduce our demand on meat by whatever amount we find significant. In other words, you can consider this essay an advertisement for starting with Meatless Mondays.